I guess I should probably follow up my previous blog so you don't think I've disappeared into the oblivion without any news on how it went!
I can literally tell you, I posted the blog onto my Facebook wall, and my stomach dropped. I thought:
What have I done?
Do people really need to know this about me?
Do I just take it off and pretend it wasn't real?
I was absolutely petrified at the thought of someone reading it and thinking "What an absolute freak, what are they talking about?", before posting it I had none of my friends' views on transgender issues, only two people in the entire world knew before I posted.
Well, so what had I done?
I'd come out in theory right? I've been here before, it's not a fun place, but the world has never been a fun place for anyone really. I thought what I'd thought when I came out 6 years ago, I am who I am, and nobody can make me feel bad for it or change that. Of course I cared about everyones thoughts on what I wrote, but if they thought negatively of me for it, it wouldn't change the way I felt, nothing could.
Did I need to tell people, or was it private?
A lot of people probably are thinking, why is this going to change what we think of you as a person, and does the entire world really need to know about it? I don't like keeping things from people, and that I ever managed to keep this recurring thought in my head for so long, is a miracle. I think because I'd believed it was all madness and suppressed it for so long, I'd denied myself it in fear of coming out to people once again. So, I do believe I had to share it, I'm not ashamed of myself, I don't think that anyone who knows me will think any differently of me regardless, but I wouldn't feel as though I'd been true to myself if I hadn't told them. It's just the same as trying to hide homosexuality from your friends or family, it just becomes unbearable.
Everyone who read my blog has spoken positively, it's even inspired some people to write about themselves, which really makes me feel honoured. I don't feel particularly brave, like some have said, I just feel as though I had to share something with the world that years ago I would've passed off as a fleeting phase.
Once again, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.
Buddy x
Friday, 2 March 2012
Monday, 27 February 2012
Here goes nothing...
Right, okay.
I can safely say that writing this blog has terrified me for quite some time now. I genuinely didn't know how to tell everyone something that's been on my mind for a long time now.
There's this guy, that many of you might know without realising.
I've known him for quite some time now, but I didn't realise how important he actually is to me, and without him perhaps I would probably be denying a part of myself.
I suppose the best way of putting it is that there's a boy trapped inside my body, there probably always has been really. I kinda always knew he was there, but I never realised that he would be that important, in the last few months he's certainly started to become more prominent and there will be days that go by where I don't feel like anything but him.
I'm not trying to say I want to change my gender, it's nothing quite as drastic as that and I doubt it ever will be. I just know he's there, and I want you all to know he's there.
I'm still Amy, but then again, I'm now Buddy too.
You'll probably not be able to tell when I'm Amy, or when I'm Buddy, the way I see it is that I'm both, and although they're in the same body, each have their own characteristics, and be quite different.
I don't want any special treatment and I don't want you to treat me any different, because at the end of the day, I am still the same person, and Buddy has been here all along, I've only just accepted him being there.
Thank you for reading, it means a lot :)
Friday, 3 February 2012
Butch.
Right, it's about time I wrote a blog about something well, worth writing about. I finally settled on a topic, so I'm going to write about stereotypes in lesbians.
"If lesbians are attracted to women, then why do they all look like men?"
I can safely say that there is nothing more irritating than hearing someone say that. You always hear that there are two types of lesbians, the butch, and the femme. The butch are considered the most "male" of the two. Is this because of the way they dress, the way they act, or more than this? Lesbians dressing or acting like men isn't just a case of having to because they're lesbians, it can be a definitive part of their personality which they express using men's clothing, or even styling their hair the way a man would.
If a woman wears men's clothing, or carries themselves in that manner, it doesn't mean the person inside is male. The person inside this exterior as a general rule, is a woman. They still have breasts and the genitalia of a woman. So, just because of the way they dress or act, they shouldn't be judged any differently, because at the end of it all, they are a woman. As a majority, they all think, and feel like a woman does. This is what most lesbians see when they look at a woman, they see who's inside them, not this exterior. It's all too simple to look a butch woman and think immediately that they act like a guy.
In some cases, the personality does coincide with the way that they dress and present themselves, this could be to do with what makes them more comfortable, or deeper rooted thoughts and feelings.
On a personal level, I usually feel more comfortable behaving like a male, as opposed to female. I do see myself as female, but I do feel as though my characteristics are particularly male. Being "girly" has never been my kind of thing since I was young, and I don't particularly feel comfortable enhancing the female part of my character as a general rule. I am comfortable in the body that I am in, but I can see the appeal of dressing and acting as a male. It's a lot easier to throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt on a night out, than pick out a dress, heels and wear make-up.
To conclude, as a general rule, the way a lesbian may act and/or dress, does not necessarily mean that they're dressed as "men". They dress and act as they do because that's the way they feel most comfortable, and if it's their choice to do so, we should respect that rather than raise questions about their sexuality.
"If lesbians are attracted to women, then why do they all look like men?"
I can safely say that there is nothing more irritating than hearing someone say that. You always hear that there are two types of lesbians, the butch, and the femme. The butch are considered the most "male" of the two. Is this because of the way they dress, the way they act, or more than this? Lesbians dressing or acting like men isn't just a case of having to because they're lesbians, it can be a definitive part of their personality which they express using men's clothing, or even styling their hair the way a man would.
If a woman wears men's clothing, or carries themselves in that manner, it doesn't mean the person inside is male. The person inside this exterior as a general rule, is a woman. They still have breasts and the genitalia of a woman. So, just because of the way they dress or act, they shouldn't be judged any differently, because at the end of it all, they are a woman. As a majority, they all think, and feel like a woman does. This is what most lesbians see when they look at a woman, they see who's inside them, not this exterior. It's all too simple to look a butch woman and think immediately that they act like a guy.
In some cases, the personality does coincide with the way that they dress and present themselves, this could be to do with what makes them more comfortable, or deeper rooted thoughts and feelings.
On a personal level, I usually feel more comfortable behaving like a male, as opposed to female. I do see myself as female, but I do feel as though my characteristics are particularly male. Being "girly" has never been my kind of thing since I was young, and I don't particularly feel comfortable enhancing the female part of my character as a general rule. I am comfortable in the body that I am in, but I can see the appeal of dressing and acting as a male. It's a lot easier to throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt on a night out, than pick out a dress, heels and wear make-up.
To conclude, as a general rule, the way a lesbian may act and/or dress, does not necessarily mean that they're dressed as "men". They dress and act as they do because that's the way they feel most comfortable, and if it's their choice to do so, we should respect that rather than raise questions about their sexuality.
Monday, 30 January 2012
What do we have here then?
This is really fucking irritating. I'm absolutely knackered, but I don't want to go to sleep, and I'm hungry, but there's no food, and I have fuck all motivation for anything and I'm in a really shitty mood.
Anyway. I should probably cheer the fuck up and write something relatively interesting in here I suppose... I started back at Uni today, which I didn't appreciate considering I did a 9 hour shift at work last night, went home and then had to get up at 7 this morning, however it turned out to be 10 to 8 before I actually surfaced out of bed, which is rather bad really. One 2 mile walk later, I'm at Uni, sweating profusely, tasty.
Our first lecture was in Media, Culture & Society, it's our second assessment of the module, the module itself which I don't find particularly thrilling however contains a lot of written work, written work, I am good at, practical, I am not. Our second assessment is a group presentation which we have to present in class by 16th April, so in other words I am not celebrating my 20th birthday until after then, which is rather fucking depressing. In this presentation, we have to pick one of the themes which we were given in the first semester. I have picked the games theme, of course, and plan to produce some sort of voiceover Sim/Fallout/Skyrim footage explaining the subject!
I'm in a very pissy mood this evening, and I have no idea why... I've had a good night if I'm honest and have nothing particularly to complain about. Just had a lot of niggling thoughts in my head recently and I guess they're just taking over me a little more than I'd prefer. Let's just say, I have a certain feeling someone from my past may be coming into my future slowly but surely, and I'm becoming increasingly paranoid about this, especially since this situation arose originally at the point of not speaking to this person anymore. I just feel as though they're constantly out to get to me, in some way or another. I think everyone else around me thinks it's probably just me exaggerating the situation, but the thought of her being anywhere near me literally makes me panic and scares the shit out of me. I don't know whether to tackle the situation, or just let myself adjust to it and get over myself. I sound stupid if I read this back, but I thought I'd vent all over here!
Anyway, I'm bored of writing this now. I need topics for my blogs, I never have anything whatsoever to talk about in them other than myself, and only a certain amount of things happen in my life!
Thanks for reading :)
Anyway. I should probably cheer the fuck up and write something relatively interesting in here I suppose... I started back at Uni today, which I didn't appreciate considering I did a 9 hour shift at work last night, went home and then had to get up at 7 this morning, however it turned out to be 10 to 8 before I actually surfaced out of bed, which is rather bad really. One 2 mile walk later, I'm at Uni, sweating profusely, tasty.
Our first lecture was in Media, Culture & Society, it's our second assessment of the module, the module itself which I don't find particularly thrilling however contains a lot of written work, written work, I am good at, practical, I am not. Our second assessment is a group presentation which we have to present in class by 16th April, so in other words I am not celebrating my 20th birthday until after then, which is rather fucking depressing. In this presentation, we have to pick one of the themes which we were given in the first semester. I have picked the games theme, of course, and plan to produce some sort of voiceover Sim/Fallout/Skyrim footage explaining the subject!
I'm in a very pissy mood this evening, and I have no idea why... I've had a good night if I'm honest and have nothing particularly to complain about. Just had a lot of niggling thoughts in my head recently and I guess they're just taking over me a little more than I'd prefer. Let's just say, I have a certain feeling someone from my past may be coming into my future slowly but surely, and I'm becoming increasingly paranoid about this, especially since this situation arose originally at the point of not speaking to this person anymore. I just feel as though they're constantly out to get to me, in some way or another. I think everyone else around me thinks it's probably just me exaggerating the situation, but the thought of her being anywhere near me literally makes me panic and scares the shit out of me. I don't know whether to tackle the situation, or just let myself adjust to it and get over myself. I sound stupid if I read this back, but I thought I'd vent all over here!
Anyway, I'm bored of writing this now. I need topics for my blogs, I never have anything whatsoever to talk about in them other than myself, and only a certain amount of things happen in my life!
Thanks for reading :)
Monday, 19 December 2011
rapture
So, here I am once again writing and shit.
I promised myself I'd be a lot more efficient with writing my blogs and then I realised I'm absolutely terrible at keeping anything up so just expect them sporadically.
So, it's approximately a week before Christmas, I have bought absolutely no presents for friends, family, or my girlfriend. Clearly, I fail on epic proportions and do not deserve a good Christmas. I genuinely do not feel as though I've had enough time to even breathe in the last few weeks, what with all my deadlines with Uni, and working every god forsaken weekend, all my days appear to have blurred into one massive collection of consciousness.
I was planning last night, as like all nights... to go out for a couple of drinks with my friends and girlfriend, but as always... nothing I ever do goes to plan and I ended up rolling in at Millie's at whatever time it was, completely hammered.
I'm bruised, I'm hungover, I ache, and I might have broken my finger. Furthermore, I feel like I've rolled about in a pool of my own sweat. Probably not the best I've ever felt I'm afraid. I was supposed to be cutting down on the going out recently, clearly it has gone well. I have absolutely no money for presents and I just can't work out where it's all disappearing! I'm beginning to wish that we got another loan payment just before Christmas, however that might end horrendously.
I've been in a bit of a predicament lately... I'm considering venting about it anonymously on here, but then again I can't seem to do anything these days without someone finding out. I would really just enjoy one stress free day, but I clearly am not allowed a stress free day leading up to Christmas. I can't even say that I'm in the spirit for it if I'm honest. People are really right when they say that Christmas changes as you get older, I'm really not looking forward to it like I used to, which is quite depressing. I guess that's relatively acceptable considering I'm almost entering my second decade of life.
It's actually quite strange beginning to think I'm going to be 20 soon... Also rather exciting though!
Christ, I've just realised I've actually talked total bollocks in this blog.
How about an idea, you give me a topic and I'll write about it?
Post on my Facebook or on here and I'll get writing.
Thanks for reading,
Amy
I promised myself I'd be a lot more efficient with writing my blogs and then I realised I'm absolutely terrible at keeping anything up so just expect them sporadically.
So, it's approximately a week before Christmas, I have bought absolutely no presents for friends, family, or my girlfriend. Clearly, I fail on epic proportions and do not deserve a good Christmas. I genuinely do not feel as though I've had enough time to even breathe in the last few weeks, what with all my deadlines with Uni, and working every god forsaken weekend, all my days appear to have blurred into one massive collection of consciousness.
I was planning last night, as like all nights... to go out for a couple of drinks with my friends and girlfriend, but as always... nothing I ever do goes to plan and I ended up rolling in at Millie's at whatever time it was, completely hammered.
I'm bruised, I'm hungover, I ache, and I might have broken my finger. Furthermore, I feel like I've rolled about in a pool of my own sweat. Probably not the best I've ever felt I'm afraid. I was supposed to be cutting down on the going out recently, clearly it has gone well. I have absolutely no money for presents and I just can't work out where it's all disappearing! I'm beginning to wish that we got another loan payment just before Christmas, however that might end horrendously.
I've been in a bit of a predicament lately... I'm considering venting about it anonymously on here, but then again I can't seem to do anything these days without someone finding out. I would really just enjoy one stress free day, but I clearly am not allowed a stress free day leading up to Christmas. I can't even say that I'm in the spirit for it if I'm honest. People are really right when they say that Christmas changes as you get older, I'm really not looking forward to it like I used to, which is quite depressing. I guess that's relatively acceptable considering I'm almost entering my second decade of life.
It's actually quite strange beginning to think I'm going to be 20 soon... Also rather exciting though!
Christ, I've just realised I've actually talked total bollocks in this blog.
How about an idea, you give me a topic and I'll write about it?
Post on my Facebook or on here and I'll get writing.
Thanks for reading,
Amy
Sunday, 4 December 2011
Bluebottles
Well, hi there!
I totally failed the other day, I started writing a blog, and then by the time I'd gone back on my MacBook to carry on, I realised that it was in fact, 2 days earlier that I had started it, so everything I had written was totally irrelevant.
You see, my friend Rebbie has recently started writing blogs (this is very good I may add), and it has totally enticed me into starting writing again. I haven't written properly in so very long, and if I'm honest, I always forget that I'm really into blogging. Shame on me I know! Well, the date is the 5th of December and I am currently sat on my bed in a vest top, thinking to myself... why am I sat in a vest top? More to the point, why haven't I got up off my sorry arse and got a jumper. Wow, I really do talk a load of shit in these blogs of mine.
So, today I had to work, as usual on every blessed Sunday that I come across. As you can imagine, I am thrilled by working a 9 hour shift on a Sunday. But, I will tell you what I am even more thrilled by, the shop over the road, Sainsburys, closing. Please, tell me if you can sense the sarcasm? So, because they clearly can't cope with the fact that we actually have a decent business over the road now, they have to get a refurbishment, and if I hear correctly they're getting a bakery, not that we only just recently got one. Funny that, isn't it? So, they closed at 3pm this afternoon, and well... All I can say is, shame on you Ramshill. It really shows how mainstream companies can take over the poor defenseless local shops. We ended up earning takings nearly 3 times as much as usual, in the space of 7 hours. As you can imagine, with it being the weekend and me being pretty busy during the week and working the previous evening, I was rather tired. I pretty much went onto auto pilot all afternoon and night, my Mum ended up coming in and poor Leia, bless her heart, had to stay on till 10. Never in all the 7 wonderful years that I've worked there have I seen such a massive influx of people at one time. Not that I'm genuinely complaining about the situation, because if I'm honest it was bloody brilliant that we finally got back what we all have worked so hard for over the years.
So, as I can imagine you are all incredibly thrilled about my ramblings about my very uneventful day at work. So I may have to tell something equally as wonderful... It's a shame I can't think of anything really!
Oh! Realisation has struck. I have my first Uni assignment to hand in tomorrow, and I am absolutely nervous as hell that I'll fuck up some aspect of it, although in theory I already have. At the beginning of my course we were all given a welcome pack, with like, our timetables for that week, a map and various other things. In that welcome pack was a sheet of barcodes on stickers. But of course, me being Amy, I lost it. Sat in a lecture a while back now, the lecturer brings up the importance of these very barcodes. "Do not lose them", he says. Meanwhile, I'm sat in the back of this lecture scurrying through my brain for some sort of hindsight as to where my barcodes are. Much to my avail, I found nothing. I still haven't found anything, and my assignment has to be handed in in the morning. Hoorah. As for the rest of my assignments, we'll just see about it I guess. I came to the conclusion that I won't be seeing outside of my MacBook screen for at least the next week, which is of course fantastic for my eyesight and suchlike.
Well, I think I may have sufficiently bored you all to absolute death so I shall conclude this. Thank you for reading, if anyone has. If you think it's a pile of shit that I'm writing blogs again, also feel free to tell me and I'll stfu.
Goodnight!
I totally failed the other day, I started writing a blog, and then by the time I'd gone back on my MacBook to carry on, I realised that it was in fact, 2 days earlier that I had started it, so everything I had written was totally irrelevant.
You see, my friend Rebbie has recently started writing blogs (this is very good I may add), and it has totally enticed me into starting writing again. I haven't written properly in so very long, and if I'm honest, I always forget that I'm really into blogging. Shame on me I know! Well, the date is the 5th of December and I am currently sat on my bed in a vest top, thinking to myself... why am I sat in a vest top? More to the point, why haven't I got up off my sorry arse and got a jumper. Wow, I really do talk a load of shit in these blogs of mine.
So, today I had to work, as usual on every blessed Sunday that I come across. As you can imagine, I am thrilled by working a 9 hour shift on a Sunday. But, I will tell you what I am even more thrilled by, the shop over the road, Sainsburys, closing. Please, tell me if you can sense the sarcasm? So, because they clearly can't cope with the fact that we actually have a decent business over the road now, they have to get a refurbishment, and if I hear correctly they're getting a bakery, not that we only just recently got one. Funny that, isn't it? So, they closed at 3pm this afternoon, and well... All I can say is, shame on you Ramshill. It really shows how mainstream companies can take over the poor defenseless local shops. We ended up earning takings nearly 3 times as much as usual, in the space of 7 hours. As you can imagine, with it being the weekend and me being pretty busy during the week and working the previous evening, I was rather tired. I pretty much went onto auto pilot all afternoon and night, my Mum ended up coming in and poor Leia, bless her heart, had to stay on till 10. Never in all the 7 wonderful years that I've worked there have I seen such a massive influx of people at one time. Not that I'm genuinely complaining about the situation, because if I'm honest it was bloody brilliant that we finally got back what we all have worked so hard for over the years.
So, as I can imagine you are all incredibly thrilled about my ramblings about my very uneventful day at work. So I may have to tell something equally as wonderful... It's a shame I can't think of anything really!
Oh! Realisation has struck. I have my first Uni assignment to hand in tomorrow, and I am absolutely nervous as hell that I'll fuck up some aspect of it, although in theory I already have. At the beginning of my course we were all given a welcome pack, with like, our timetables for that week, a map and various other things. In that welcome pack was a sheet of barcodes on stickers. But of course, me being Amy, I lost it. Sat in a lecture a while back now, the lecturer brings up the importance of these very barcodes. "Do not lose them", he says. Meanwhile, I'm sat in the back of this lecture scurrying through my brain for some sort of hindsight as to where my barcodes are. Much to my avail, I found nothing. I still haven't found anything, and my assignment has to be handed in in the morning. Hoorah. As for the rest of my assignments, we'll just see about it I guess. I came to the conclusion that I won't be seeing outside of my MacBook screen for at least the next week, which is of course fantastic for my eyesight and suchlike.
Well, I think I may have sufficiently bored you all to absolute death so I shall conclude this. Thank you for reading, if anyone has. If you think it's a pile of shit that I'm writing blogs again, also feel free to tell me and I'll stfu.
Goodnight!
Monday, 12 September 2011
I'm on the edge of glory
Hiyaaaa.
I thought I'd pop back in for another blogging good time :)
Today, I genuinely feel like shit. I was working all afternoon and night yesterday, and about half 9, a few of my friends turned up at my work and asked me if I wanted to come for a couple of drinks at the pub down the road... I said yes.
A couple of drinks then turned into 4 pints, and me getting in at around 2am this morning, soaking wet, sweating, and bruised. I was still in my work uniform, so I'm hoping that I didn't see anyone that knows me from the shop because they most certainly wouldn't appreciate the state I was in. It was weird really, I didn't think I was that drunk and then I got home and then I just seemed to get a hell of a lot more intoxicated. I then got woken up this morning at 7am with my Step-Dad asking me where the keys were for the newspapers at the shop. I was half asleep and possibly still drunk and I was sat trying to think where they were. Turns out, they were in my bag. Embarrassing much?
Anyway, I'm having the laziest day possible today and I'm gonna go grab something to eat from downstairs shortly because I think I might die if I don't eat soon.
I'm going out for a meal with Rachael tonight, which should be good. She's going away to Uni at the end of this week so I'm trying to see everyone before they go, which is kinda crappy.
SO!
I don't think I have much more to say...
I need a bath too, wicked.
I thought I'd pop back in for another blogging good time :)
Today, I genuinely feel like shit. I was working all afternoon and night yesterday, and about half 9, a few of my friends turned up at my work and asked me if I wanted to come for a couple of drinks at the pub down the road... I said yes.
A couple of drinks then turned into 4 pints, and me getting in at around 2am this morning, soaking wet, sweating, and bruised. I was still in my work uniform, so I'm hoping that I didn't see anyone that knows me from the shop because they most certainly wouldn't appreciate the state I was in. It was weird really, I didn't think I was that drunk and then I got home and then I just seemed to get a hell of a lot more intoxicated. I then got woken up this morning at 7am with my Step-Dad asking me where the keys were for the newspapers at the shop. I was half asleep and possibly still drunk and I was sat trying to think where they were. Turns out, they were in my bag. Embarrassing much?
Anyway, I'm having the laziest day possible today and I'm gonna go grab something to eat from downstairs shortly because I think I might die if I don't eat soon.
I'm going out for a meal with Rachael tonight, which should be good. She's going away to Uni at the end of this week so I'm trying to see everyone before they go, which is kinda crappy.
SO!
I don't think I have much more to say...
I need a bath too, wicked.
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