10 weeks later...

Hey, well I've not posted in a while, especially since I've started my new diet. I'm on weight watchers currently and 10 weeks into the plan I am nearly a stone lighter. I've lost 11 pounds and I'm 1 pound away from my 5% weight loss. I'm really quite confident that it's working for me even when I've have numerous ups and downs in between. I've been introduced to new foods, and a totally new lifestyle altogether. It's strange looking back and imagining myself eating as I did. Working in a shop I often find it difficult to not just grab a bag of crisps or a chocolate bar, and so far I've coped well. I haven't eaten any chocolate that isn't part of a weight watchers/tesco light choices food, and I stick to the low calorie choices of crisps such as French Fries, Quavers and Skips. It's really amazing how so far into this diet I feel so guilty about attempting to binge occasionally, I just can't do it to myself anymore. I have to religiously work out the pro points for everything I eat and make sure I stay within my allowance. Just recently my friend Rebbie introduced me to the "My fitness pal" app, I'm gonna give it a try this week and see if it reflects in my weigh in.

Thanks for reading guys!

I wish I enjoyed everything else as much as video games

So, according to my Playstation 3 I have spent 151 hours playing Skyrim, that's like 6 and a half days!
What on Earth can compel someone to spend that much time of their lives on a video game, I mean, it is just a game right, none of the characters are real, none of the missions are real and you don't really gain that much from playing it!

I guess it's all about escapism, it certainly is for me. Whenever I'm feeling like a big pile of crap, I stick my Playstation on, and play a game, once I'm into it, I don't feel as though I have any problems, and I could just sit there for the rest of eternity... If you're in the body of somebody else it's easy to just relax and take on their problems, and lead their life. Because, let's face it, if you get shot in the face and killed, you just load your last save and it's like it never happened! You can make your character whatever gender you feel like, you can give them really ridiculous hair you'd never dream of having, and make them have the perfect figure with big muscles that yourself would find unattainable. You have no friends, no family, nobody, but that's okay, because you're this mysterious stranger who undertakes all these missions for people and is pretty much just the good samaritan of wherever you may be setting this game. You can kill whoever or whatever you want and not have to suffer with the consequences (not that I regularly do this in real life). You can earn incomprehensible amounts of money from selling useless pieces of tat in shops, and not have to pay bills, tax, or in fact, pay anybody any money at all. Everything you earn is your own, and although it's not earnt in the most fashionable of ways (killing and stealing) it's your money! If you wanna buy some fancy clothes, go ahead and buy those fancy clothes, if you wanna buy a 6ft long sword, you buy that sword! Nobody can stop you because well let's face it, it's not their money, and you as a video game character don't exist.
I'd imagine you're aching for me to get to the point of this blog, well I hate to break it to you but there isn't a point to it, I just love video games, and they love me and we'll live happily ever after in my dark little bedroom forever and ever <3

Pure Pleasure Seeker

Hello everyone!

As you'll be pleased to know, I'm writing a blog for the first time in months, I literally have no idea why I haven't written in such a while, I think i just fell out of the swing of things! So, what can I update you on? Hmm.
Millie's moved in with me, whilst we attempt to save for our own flat, which is surprisingly going well considering I'm not actually that skilled when it comes to saving... whereabouts we'll end up living, I have no idea, ideally I'd like to live up South Cliff, mainly because I'm a lazy fat ass who wouldn't rather walk that little bit extra to go to work and Uni... I make myself sick! :') We haven't actually bought anything for this flat we're meant to be getting, so that's also going to be an issue, may have a flat, but no furniture to put into the flat...
What else has happened?
I finished my first year of Uni, how the hell I managed that I literally have no idea! The last few weeks began to drive me slightly insane, but I still got all my work done before the final day and I could actually go to sleep the days before all the hand ins! I must admit the most irritating part of the hand ins was how we actually gave them the work, can't just hand it on a memory stick or on a disc, or just print it out. No. We require you to author at least 17 different DVD's with your work in 32 different formats, oh and we need all the images/audio/video that you used to create each video as well, in 87 different formats, on a floppy disk. Alright, I'm taking the mick with that last one, but seriously?! Why do we need to do that?! It was irritating enough to have to use tapes to record our 'How-to' videos, I mean who actually uses tapes for anything anymore? Apparently my Uni is still in the Stone Ages. 

I've also began a diet, which many of you that know we well will probably already know, at nearly 17 stone I think maybe it's time I took a few pounds off that number before I consume the entirety of Scarborough's cake population. Slightly exaggerating, but I literally feel huge most days now, and although many people are like 'Why are you on a diet, you're fine?' I'm just stood there like, have you not actually seen me? I'm just getting to that point now where I'm uncomfortable with the way I look, sick of looking for all the biggest sizes in clothes, and just really couldn't be doing with that! I think I want to get to a Size 16, currently a 20 and that really isn't ideal for me anymore. I'm on the Weight Watchers diet, and those of you that have been trying to tell me that Slimming World is better, it may be for you but you have to keep in mind, I don't eat red meat, I don't eat vegetables, and I don't eat much fruit... So really in theory, I'd just not lose anything because I'd just occasionally stock up on carbohydrates, and let's face it, they're really not going to reduce my waistline!
I'm already bored, it's meant to be a really long Summer, and with another 4 months to go of doing nothing, I can't imagine how I'm going to feel in September, I'm aiming to fill my holiday with working, working, working out, working, losing weight, and that's where the story ends kids! I really have nothing that exciting planned for Summer, and with this diet, it's not like I can go out much either because every single drink contributes! I am going to have a very sober summer so to speak!

Well, I've just totally filled this page full of crap, so I hope you enjoy looking at and reading my crap.
That is all.

Buddy Boy x

Turning Twenteen

Okay, so I recently turned 20.


It's amazing how one little birthday can make you think so much, I have like a photo wall in my room, and it spans from pictures of my parents before my birth, right up until last years events. So, I'm looking at them and I'm just thinking that shit, 4 years ago it was my 16th birthday, look at everyone that was there, I don't even speak to a couple of these people anymore. Then, I get a little sad when I think about that this person moved away, or this person doesn't speak to any of us anymore. I guess I'm feeling a little too nostalgic at the moment, if I could rewind and do it all over again, I more than definitely would. I'm not trying to say that what I have right now doesn't make me happy, and I'm pretty sure there's certain aspects of my life I wouldn't really appreciate repeating... I just want the happy times when there literally wasn't a care in the world, and the most dramatic thing that happened was you falling out with your best mate at school, or finding out the person you fancied didn't feel the same. Now it's a case of not having enough money to pay the rent, or not being able to celebrate your birthday properly because of working or something stupid.


Either way, I miss everyone, and everything that I had 4 or 5 years ago.


You'll probably think I'm being pathetic writing about this as I can't do anything about it and I probably should just grow up and get over it, regardless of this I thought I should just get it off my chest.




Thanks for reading,


Amy

Sheep.

Gays, Homos, Dykes, Puffs, Lezzas, Fairies, Queens, Muff Divers. 




I can imagine what you're all thinking this blog might be about. 
These names will probably all make you think of one thing only, homosexuals and lesbians. So, why have they been given these names? Is it just another way of stereotyping homosexual and lesbian people? 


For example, you see the word fairy. Typically this is used to describe a gay male, but why? Well, of course it must be the way they mince around and flail their arms and squeal like little girls when they see the MUST HAVE shoes this season in the shop window. Or maybe it's just because they wear pink and some wear make up like pretty fairies do too? 

Now, let's take the word, dyke. No, I'm not referring of course to an artificial slope or wall to regulate water levels. I am in fact talking about a lesbian of course. You see the word dyke and what comes to mind? A well built, burly woman, probably with short hair, and she's wearing mens trousers, and boots. Don't forget of course she's probably got tattoos and piercings too. 

You can probably see the point that I'm getting at, where have these stereotypes come from? 


The name Queen, used to describe gay men, originally it came from the name Drag Queen and often described a man that was particularly effeminate. Other examples from what I found include - 
"Queen, as in drama queen, as in ridiculously over the top behaviour"
Another person a victim of stereotyping. Also, one person suggested that it was because of the band Queen, and the homosexual lead singer of the band, although both incorrect, you can see the thinking. Either way, gay males are often produced by the media to be incredibly feminine, and to act "camp" so to speak. But, of course not all gay males are camp, or feminine even in the slightest, but after being judged by the media, you can imagine the pressure to almost have to fit in with the rest of the people. Or maybe, I'm just assuming that's the way they feel, they could in fact just be generally more comfortable within themselves acting feminine. But stereotyping has in fact probably encouraged many to take this on as their "suggested" personality. 


Now, let's take a look at the word Dyke, this is a name that is being used to describe a lesbian woman, and in fact did evolve from a derogatory term for masculine women. Surely, using a derogative term to label yourselves isn't right? I'd imagine not many lesbian women may know that it was intended to be used as derogatory once upon a time, and just in fact use it as they would call any other group of people that fit into a certain clique. Before the word dyke, the word bulldyker was prominently used to describe lesbians, however even in this context it was considered crude. A dyke, being a ditch in other terms may have been used to describe the vulva. Either way, you hear the word dyke, you presume certain things about the way that woman looks. Dyke, being a term used for masculine women, brings the thought about by itself. But, why should lesbians be considered to look masculine? Is it because of their feminist manner, they shouldn't conform to look the way the average woman does etc. Or is it just a matter of a woman being more comfortable in her own skin? Either way, this shouldn't be encouraged just because of your sexuality. I know many women, that before they came out as a lesbian, had long hair, more make up more frequently and dressed themselves in a more feminine way, why should your sexuality have to change that? It probably doesn't have to.


Either way, we're probably never ever going to break these stereotypes, and a lot of people probably think they shouldn't have to if they're happy. Well no, you shouldn't have to change who you are to suit everyone else, but if you think about it, you might have already done that. 

Livin' La Vida Scarborough

As requested I am going to write a blog about Scarbados.
I probably won't be able to include everything I want to write about this interesting little town, but I'm sure as hell going to give it a good go.

In the town of Scarborough alone there are over 50,000 people. I just found this out myself and quite frankly, you would think that were about 30 people alone in the entirety of Scarborough as I personally find it quite difficult to know someone without knowing someone who knows someone I know, who is friends with my Dad and has had a baby with someone I used to work with and is in fact my Mum's old friend. You get my point? Even though we are considered a town, I would certainly not be one of the first to say that Scarborough is an overcrowded village, and being an overcrowded village, everybody knows everyone, and every single little bit of their business.

You all have your opinions on everybody, and you probably have an idea of what they think of you too. However, whether these people know you or not, they probably have some reason for judging you for whatever they've heard about you, this can lead to dirty looks from people you've never met in the middle of the street, people laughing behind your back, or people that you know telling you exactly what they heard about you on Saturday night on the piss.

Either way, this town can be a nasty place, whether you want to be involved or not. If you've spoken to anyone in Scarborough, the fact of the matter is, you're going to be part of somebodies business. As an example, my ex girlfriend after we split up, got with someone else, who happened to be seeing someone else I knew previous to her. When I met this person, I heard first hand that apparently my ex girlfriend had told the lady she was seeing that I used to beat her up in the bedroom and strangle her, so of course, the lady that she was seeing told her previous partner who I'd just met that I had been like this with my ex girlfriend, and was actually told to delete me off Facebook for apparently being this 'bad person'. I'd never met this woman in my life, but knowing that people were spreading something untrue about me made me furious... If this had been said, what else did people know? Was I going to be judged for being a person I wasn't before even knowing people?

I know for a fact that throughout this town gossip is pretty much the life and soul of it, and if you don't know any gossip then, well... where have you been? Something is always going down in this town, whether you're involved or not, you're always going to know about it. This place is full of vicious circles of people who would strike you down if you ever crossed them based upon what so and so told them on that night out 3 months ago.

It's probably all bullshit what everyone thinks they know about people in this town, but that's irrelevant, they know it, and that's all that matters to people.
I'm not going to lie and say I don't know my fair share of gossip or not get involved, it just worries me the way it gets nasty when it doesn't need to. I know that it'll never probably stop, and things will probably just get worse, but hey, what happens in Scarbados, stays in Scarbados, and don't worry, your neighbours already know about it!

Mobile Blogging!

This shit just got real!

Anyway, this is a totally pointless blog and is literally only for the purpose of trying out the mobile app!

Rather looking forward to going hold and actually managing to write a proper blog, I think I've decided on the topic of my wonderful hometown of Scarborough, expect lots of joy from that blog!

Anyway, over and out!

Revelations

I guess I should probably follow up my previous blog so you don't think I've disappeared into the oblivion without any news on how it went! 


I can literally tell you, I posted the blog onto my Facebook wall, and my stomach dropped. I thought:


What have I done?
Do people really need to know this about me?
Do I just take it off and pretend it wasn't real?


I was absolutely petrified at the thought of someone reading it and thinking "What an absolute freak, what are they talking about?", before posting it I had none of my friends' views on transgender issues, only two people in the entire world knew before I posted. 


Well, so what had I done?
I'd come out in theory right? I've been here before, it's not a fun place, but the world has never been a fun place for anyone really. I thought what I'd thought when I came out 6 years ago, I am who I am, and nobody can make me feel bad for it or change that. Of course I cared about everyones thoughts on what I wrote, but if they thought negatively of me for it, it wouldn't change the way I felt, nothing could. 


Did I need to tell people, or was it private?
A lot of people probably are thinking, why is this going to change what we think of you as a person, and does the entire world really need to know about it? I don't like keeping things from people, and that I ever managed to keep this recurring thought in my head for so long, is a miracle. I think because I'd believed it was all madness and suppressed it for so long, I'd denied myself it in fear of coming out to people once again. So, I do believe I had to share it, I'm not ashamed of myself, I don't think that anyone who knows me will think any differently of me regardless, but I wouldn't feel as though I'd been true to myself if I hadn't told them. It's just the same as trying to hide homosexuality from your friends or family, it just becomes unbearable. 


Everyone who read my blog has spoken positively, it's even inspired some people to write about themselves, which really makes me feel honoured. I don't feel particularly brave, like some have said, I just feel as though I had to share something with the world that years ago I would've passed off as a fleeting phase. 


Once again, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.


Buddy x

Here goes nothing...

Right, okay. 

I can safely say that writing this blog has terrified me for quite some time now. I genuinely didn't know how to tell everyone something that's been on my mind for a long time now. 

There's this guy, that many of you might know without realising.

I've known him for quite some time now, but I didn't realise how important he actually is to me, and without him perhaps I would probably be denying a part of myself. 

I suppose the best way of putting it is that there's a boy trapped inside my body, there probably always has been really. I kinda always knew he was there, but I never realised that he would be that important, in the last few months he's certainly started to become more prominent and there will be days that go by where I don't feel like anything but him. 

I'm not trying to say I want to change my gender, it's nothing quite as drastic as that and I doubt it ever will be. I just know he's there, and I want you all to know he's there. 

I'm still Amy, but then again, I'm now Buddy too. 

You'll probably not be able to tell when I'm Amy, or when I'm Buddy, the way I see it is that I'm both, and although they're in the same body, each have their own characteristics, and be quite different. 

I don't want any special treatment and I don't want you to treat me any different, because at the end of the day, I am still the same person, and Buddy has been here all along, I've only just accepted him being there. 

Thank you for reading, it means a lot :) 

Butch.

Right, it's about time I wrote a blog about something well, worth writing about. I finally settled on a topic, so I'm going to write about stereotypes in lesbians. 


"If lesbians are attracted to women, then why do they all look like men?"


I can safely say that there is nothing more irritating than hearing someone say that. You always hear that there are two types of lesbians, the butch, and the femme. The butch are considered the most "male" of the two. Is this because of the way they dress, the way they act, or more than this? Lesbians dressing or acting like men isn't just a case of having to because they're lesbians, it can be a definitive part of their personality which they express using men's clothing, or even styling their hair the way a man would.
If a woman wears men's clothing, or carries themselves in that manner, it doesn't mean the person inside is male. The person inside this exterior as a general rule, is a woman. They still have breasts and the genitalia of a woman. So, just because of the way they dress or act, they shouldn't be judged any differently, because at the end of it all, they are a woman. As a majority, they all think, and feel like a woman does. This is what most lesbians see when they look at a woman, they see who's inside them, not this exterior. It's all too simple to look a butch woman and think immediately that they act like a guy. 
In some cases, the personality does coincide with the way that they dress and present themselves, this could be to do with what makes them more comfortable, or deeper rooted thoughts and feelings. 
On a personal level, I usually feel more comfortable behaving like a male, as opposed to female. I do see myself as female, but I do feel as though my characteristics are particularly male. Being "girly" has never been my kind of thing since I was young, and I don't particularly feel comfortable enhancing the female part of my character as a general rule. I am comfortable in the body that I am in, but I can see the appeal of dressing and acting as a male. It's a lot easier to throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt on a night out, than pick out a dress, heels and wear make-up. 


To conclude, as a general rule, the way a lesbian may act and/or dress, does not necessarily mean that they're dressed as "men". They dress and act as they do because that's the way they feel most comfortable, and if it's their choice to do so, we should respect that rather than raise questions about their sexuality.

What do we have here then?

This is really fucking irritating. I'm absolutely knackered, but I don't want to go to sleep, and I'm hungry, but there's no food, and I have fuck all motivation for anything and I'm in a really shitty mood.

Anyway. I should probably cheer the fuck up and write something relatively interesting in here I suppose... I started back at Uni today, which I didn't appreciate considering I did a 9 hour shift at work last night, went home and then had to get up at 7 this morning, however it turned out to be 10 to 8 before I actually surfaced out of bed, which is rather bad really. One 2 mile walk later, I'm at Uni, sweating profusely, tasty.
Our first lecture was in Media, Culture & Society, it's our second assessment of the module, the module itself which I don't find particularly thrilling however contains a lot of written work, written work, I am good at, practical, I am not. Our second assessment is a group presentation which we have to present in class by 16th April, so in other words I am not celebrating my 20th birthday until after then, which is rather fucking depressing. In this presentation, we have to pick one of the themes which we were given in the first semester. I have picked the games theme, of course, and plan to produce some sort of voiceover Sim/Fallout/Skyrim footage explaining the subject!

I'm in a very pissy mood this evening, and I have no idea why... I've had a good night if I'm honest and have nothing particularly to complain about. Just had a lot of niggling thoughts in my head recently and I guess they're just taking over me a little more than I'd prefer. Let's just say, I have a certain feeling someone from my past may be coming into my future slowly but surely, and I'm becoming increasingly paranoid about this, especially since this situation arose originally at the point of not speaking to this person anymore. I just feel as though they're constantly out to get to me, in some way or another. I think everyone else around me thinks it's probably just me exaggerating the situation, but the thought of her being anywhere near me literally makes me panic and scares the shit out of me. I don't know whether to tackle the situation, or just let myself adjust to it and get over myself. I sound stupid if I read this back, but I thought I'd vent all over here!

Anyway, I'm bored of writing this now. I need topics for my blogs, I never have anything whatsoever to talk about in them other than myself, and only a certain amount of things happen in my life!

Thanks for reading :)